Sunday, October 21, 2012

Gone

Geoff's gone for the grading today. I'm praying for him and holding on by my fingernails here, since he's gone from nine in the morning until probably ten or eleven tonight. Looking forward to tomorrow, when I'll have him and probably other other here, and I can have help cleaning, babyholding,  and dealing with Nat's current favourite thing to shout at me or anyone he disagrees with ("I hate you! I want you to die!") which I'm not loving even though I know he doesn't really mean it.

We finished reading The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe yesterday, and I just told Nat there are other books about Narnia. He's keen, so I think we'll read Prince Caspian next.

A few days ago I had one of those vivid dreams that really sticks, and it had a weird unsettling time-travelling  theme. Geoff and I were going on a winter hike to Niagara, which had relocated to Prince Edward Island. I remember noticing piles of slush or sand made out of amethysts on top of the snow. When we arrived we were suddenly at a tea party/cocktail hour social event, and I realised we'd traveled back in time, because there was a boy there with whom I'd gone to youth group, who had grown up and become a teacher a few years ago was accused of attempting to seduce minors.

He committed suicide before the trial.

In my dream I was making conversation with him, awkwardly, and wondering- can I prevent what his future holds? Ought  Ito tell him? How do I interact with him, knowing what he's going to do?



I'm in poor emotional shape right now, one of the babies refuses to sleep, and may have woken the other one, and I have the trapped, claustrophobic, drowning feeling that that induces. The boys both want attention and will act out without it, and I am trying not to shout at them because of my own frustration.

3 comments:

Kelly M. said...

I know this feeling all too well. Prayers for better, dreamless, sleep.

Steph said...

Too late to tell you to hang in there, Kyra. You made it. Hope things went alright. I sort of can relate to how you must have felt, with no backup. By the way, Thomas looked very cute in the frog costume.

lissla lissar said...

After I wrote this, the girls took a three hour nap and Thomas slept for two, Cynthia and Stuart turned up to play with all the kids between nap and dinnertime, and my parents came over for dinner and helped with bed.

And we all survived. By the end of naptime I felt almost human, because Nat doesn't ask to interact with me a whole lot if there's a computer.

It was a huge blessing. I spent a lot of time Saturday and earlier in the day on Sunday crying, or saying, "I'm really mad and sad, and it's not at you. I can't play right now. I'm sorry." I don't know why this grading was so hard, but I suspect burnout- Geoff's been away a lot of four weeknights out of five for the last month, and just recently the girls have gotten fussier and want more holding.

Today will be much better.