Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The sin of gluttony

Right now I would like very much to be hungry, and to believe that food would be comforting, but I know I'm not and it wouldn't be. So I will pretend to clean the dinging room to have dinner and think about how what I want to want is a box of cream puffs or poutine or something, but I don't actually want them. What I want is for my mother not to have Alzherimer's and for me not to be terribly, terribly sad for her.


Sheila said...

I want you to know that I saw your comments on Pentimento's blog. My mom also has dementia. She has also had bipolar disorder throughout my life. We had ten years of something like normalcy, and that ended about two and a half years ago. She is in her seventh involuntary hospital situation right now (seventh in the past two years; it was probably ten or twelve before that). I have never had the kind of relationship with my mom that people tend to treasure, but during those ten years we did at least develop a positive relationship. And now, at least the dementia is not as bad as the severe manias (she was usually angry/abusive then).....So it's not the same, but it's still very sad. And no physical health problems, longevity in the genes....I pray for her to be allowed to go and be healed and whole in God's presence.....But there are no signs of that happening anytime soon.

All that to say your words connected with my heart, and I will be praying for you. And I will ask for your prayers for me especially for Mother's Day. We were never able to have a child, and adoption attempts failed also, and it's just a really hard day for me.

And like you, I don't get a lot of comfort from food either, to top it off!

There are also so many blessings, along with the lament. But when I read your comment, I just felt an urge to say "I feel for you and with you."

God bless you.

lissla lissar said...

Thank you! I just happened to be skimming my older comments and saw yours. I'm going to say some retroactive prayers for you. Thank you for your kind words. The bipolar and the Alzheimer's are a poisonous mix, even though my mother sounds more stable than yours- we don't know for sure if the paranoia and delusions that occasionally plague her are the bipolar or the dementia, and because she's sometimes still sort of my mother, and mostly a stranger I'm trying to take care of... it's just so complicated.