It's my birthday today, and so far there have been some lovely things (Geoff bought me a waffle iron, I baked myself a decadent cake, the girls went to the aquarium with my inlaws), but they are being sort of crushed by Nat's lunch blood sugar of 26, which has turned him into a horrible screaming monster all morning, and by the crushing sadness that this will be the first year my mother will not remember my birthday.
That sounds very very self-pitying, and it is, but it isn't so much that I want Everyone To Pay Attention To Me on My Birthday as it is that I am aware of the losses of last year- namely, I have lost my mother. She doesn't reliably remember my father or her sister now. She still knows me, but I don't know how long that will last. In losing her mind I am losing the memories of my childhood. I feel orphaned, but orphaned with a new and terrible set of burdens, because I have to care for her and mourn every new loss.
And so I will grieve today and pray for a better year coming. And this evening there will be cake and dinner and my lovely children and husband to hold.