Tuesday, January 06, 2015

So tired and sad

It's been a rough evening, so of course I just decided to re-read old blog posts, picked randomly, and read one from September, when I thought we were moving and that my parents would be able to go to a retirement home. I fought hard to get them into a home.
Children and map of Great Lakes
Now it's January. Four months later. I guess we had October before we started to get into crisis mode about Mum. I think we started applying for LTC by November? Because we'd started before Geoff was laid off. So in September Mum could still have conversations and walk and read a little and understand how to open a door on her own. Now she can do none of those things. Now she's in a nursing home, and she is starting to lose mobility and fall, and she always, always wants something that she is unable to express because she can't speak words that make sense. And we visit, and walk with her, and reply reassuringly, and hold her hand. And I think about how much I love her, and how much I want to go and hide until my mother comes to find me.

I love her, and I will keep on with the lists- she needs socks with rubber on the bottom, new runners with Velcro, I need to talk to the psych and the social worker and the nurse and and and, but within me I say, for Mum:

MY God, my God, look upon me; why hast thou forsaken me : and art so far from my health, and from the words of my complaint?
2 O my God, I cry in the day-time, but thou hearest not : and in the night-season also I take no rest....
 I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint : my heart also in the midst of my body is even like melting wax.
15 My strength is dried up like a potsherd, and my tongue cleaveth to my gums : and thou shalt bring me into the dust of death.

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