Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Strength like a potsherd

More or less. I feel desiccated and overrun. After I got back from the hospital last night I lay in bed, trying to relax enough to sleep, and over and over the arguments pro and con feeding tubes and palliative care went whirling through my head. I am torn- does putting a feeding tube in mean sedating my mother most of the time? Will she get better enough to be responsive? Are we helping her by doing it or is her body shutting down and making food and water a burden? I saw, and still see, my mother gradually dehydrating until she dies, if we don't intubate her.

My dad thinks she wants to die, that she's refusing food and water because she is ready to go. I am not sure, and I am terrified of asking her- terrified that she'll say yes, and equally terrified that she'll say no, and we'll be required to keep her alive by extraordinary means.

Back to the hospital this morning, and then she'll probably be discharged. I am very unhappy with the level of care at the nursing home, but if we haven't decided for sure on palliative, and we won't before the swallow test booked on Thursday, then we can't get her transferred to the palliative floor of the hospital. We just have to be at the home every day, twice a day and ride them very hard and make ourselves extremely fricking unpopular with the staff.

Hospital, transfer back to nursing home, meeting with Mum's (and our) GP to discuss options, and then home to collapse and be sad and worried until tomorrow with the next test. Kyrie eleison.


Zagorka said...

Dear Kyra,
you are a very brave and caring person in a really, really hard situation...
I am praying for wisdom, clarity and strength for you.
Zagorka (the one reading from Gemany)

Anonymous said...

Weeping andd praying, dear loving friend. Am so so sory you must make these hard dexisions