Wednesday, February 11, 2015

I think I jinxed myself

Because of course normal life means the boys will wake up puking all over at two-thirty. I guess that is normal. I was hoping for fun normal, though.

I got practically no sleep and everything feels really floaty right now, but I have a few minutes, so I want to jot down some things about the funeral. First, the hymns we sang were selected because they were the ones I sang to Mum after she was comatose in hospital. I have no idea if they fit together or not, but they were all old traditional hymns that I could sing from memory, and if I put thought into it, they were mostly sort of Easter-y and very Christ centred. Wait, there were also some Taize songs because Mum liked Taize. The Gospel reading was the Song of Simeon, which I also prayed with Mum many times while I sat beside her. The Old Testament was suggested by my friend Anne, and it was from Zephaniah.

I sat and listened to the readings and sang the songs and had little moments of unreality, and bits of stabbing memory. I kept thinking of when Mum asked me last winter, wistfully, "Do people ever get better from what I've got?" I feel like I haven't had an opportunity to put it together yet, all the details- into a complete narrative, the thing we tell ourselves when we're telling the story of what happened. I still have the moments. I know we never experience anything in its totality, just in the discrete moments- we never get all of suffering or joy or anything continuously. But since we look for patterns and story it isn't, it can't be real until I have made into a whole in my head.


Jenny said...

Kids getting sick after a major emotional upheaval is not that uncommon. My paternal grandfather died when I was six and the first time my parents brought me to his grave, I threw up everywhere.

Hang in there! It does take time to make some sense out of what has happened. Still praying for you.

Melanie Bettinelli said...

"But since we look for patterns and story it isn't, it can't be real until I have made into a whole in my head." That's so lovely and so true. Stories give us wholeness and they are what make us human.

I'm so sorry they got sick and I hope everyone gets better and things get to a real normal very soon.