Monday, February 23, 2015

Life rambling

I'm still feeling really tired all the time, and Geoff is feeling a re-occurrence of his nerve damage symptoms from two years ago, but we're pushing on, very whinely and slowly. I have brought over a stack of my mother's Madeleine L'Engle's Crosswicks journals from my parents' house, and I am reading them, especially The Summer of the Great Grandmother, which is about L'Engle caring for her mother in the summer her mum declined sharply and then died. I haven't read these journals since I was a teenager, and as I re-read them after many years I am struck by how blessed I was to have them to guide me, and how deeply I have been formed by her writing. She was my window into thoughtful Christianity and I am so grateful.

We are still muddling along trying to get things set up with the estate and I'm pretending I know how to be executor, and I am also trying to occasionally read to my children, and make them do tiny amount of phonics and math. I still basically just feel like lying around. I am filled with a deep lethargy which has moved into the place of the tense misery and grief surrounding my mother's last weeks and then the planning for her funeral. I'm not grieving a lot, but as I read Great Grandmother I wonder if the mental and physical fog is part of my grief, and something I'm going to have to be patient with and wait through. Because of the lingering effects of the influenza I still don't really want to eat most of the time.

I suck at waiting. I am very impatient. Waiting to be better, better in some way, seems to be the Lenten discipline God has decided I need.

We're still knee-deep in snow, and it's been very, very cold here on and off for several weeks. We're trying not to die of cabin fever, on top of everything, and the children are vastly enjoying our recent kowtowing to the power of Netflix. They are all in love with Spider-Man, particularly.

We're about to have dinner, which will be a the leftovers of a beautiful beef stew I made, and which I predict no one will eat. Well, I'll eat it. And we're having cornbread in order to shove some calories into the children. And when they've all gone to bed I will have a glass of wine and un-Lenten leftover chocolate cake and lie around and wait to feel a lot better, which I will, because chocolate cake has miraculous curative powers.

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