Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Physical

I wasn't expecting grief to be so physical. Earlier today I felt like I was recovering from flu. I was tired, with the deep lassitude that comes after fever. Now I feel drunk, cranky, off-balance, and like I don't remember to breathe. Everything makes me want to scream. I have no patience. When I spilled the popcorn on the stove I shrieked inappropriately, and when I dragged the vacuum cleaner up the stairs I screamed when I whacked it against my leg. It seems impossible that I am this upset, and that it's so much like illness, and so full of rage and sadness at the same time. I don't even feel that sad- just impatient and miserable.

We're watching a lot of movies, and we're trying pathetically to put away laundry in between bouts of lying around and feeling lethargic. People are coming over and giving us food and alcohol, and we're sorting pictures of Mum for the visitation, and I want to go find a very quiet place and sit forever or until I feel better.

2 comments:

Sally Thomas said...

I was 40, almost 41 when my dad died very suddenly, and I am convinced that the stress of grief triggered, in a sort of knock-on way, my early menopause. It really is that intense.

Virtual hugs, and prayers for you today. I hope you can get some rest.

Anonymous said...

I have been following your journey through a friend's comment on Facebook. Grief hurts in every way. Know that you are in my prayers!