Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Whirlwind

It's been a crazy few days here, but last night I put myself to bed at nine thirty and woke up full of CLEAN ALL THE THING and HANG ALL THE PICTURES, I ground through a tiny bit of school with Nat and then ran around organizing the pantry and hanging pictures and my new icon (which I love), and random pictures cut out of the art books that I get at the thrift store and then destroy.

I keep thinking about ego and vanity. I've had a lot of ego stroking in the last few months- people being very impressed at things I can do. On Sunday I got to give two people a short discourse on the history of the t-tunic while I made one, first out of kleenex to demonstrate, and then made one as a doll's dress. Apparently it was totally magical. And I've been increasingly grateful for all the weird things that I do know how to do, some of them.... pretty weird. And that makes me wonder about vanity, and humility, and to what degree it's okay to think "Wow, I really am SO COOL." Which is, not really. But it's a good and difficult thing to objectively assess skills, and be neither too humble nor too proud about those skills. Difficult for me, anyway, as I veer between vainglory and unnecessary self-abnegation. Because I have a lot of weird things I can do or make, and lots of little areas of very highly specialized knowledge. But I also know that in almost every area I am somewhere between enthusiastic amateur and dilettante, and that leashes my pride. What I have to not let it do is make me assume I can't achieve mastery, because my stupid Gifted Complex whines softly, "There will always be someone better than you. Why should you bother if it's hard?"

The solution is generally prayer, detachment from emotionalism, and shouting at the stupid Gifted Complex. Still, it's a tricky emotional area for me, as I slowly crawl towards adulthood. I'm hoping to arrive there just about when I turn sixty.

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