Sunday, April 26, 2015

Still, how long to normal?

After feeling a lot more cheerful for a couple of weeks, I've spent last week feeling miserable, on and off, about Mum, and wondering and worrying- is this inordinate? Am I obsessing and making myself even more unhappy? Why have I plunged back into lethargy and irritation?- and I think the reason is likely that for the first year or so, I will go through days of intense mourning and stretches where I am okay and everything seems normal. Right now I have paperwork to do (although I'm approaching done), and a new business to start up (which I am looking forward to), and the house and kids to run. Running the kids is particularly important because otherwise they won't sleep.

Child who should have been asleep. 
But I worry that I'm too self-focused and self-pitying, and that I am making excuses instead of trying to let go. And I want to hide inside myself and be sad and have someone take care of me. The girls still come to me five or six times a day and say spontaneously, "You sad you mama die?", and on good days I say steadily, "Yes, but she's with Jesus now.", and on bad days I say the same thing but I cry. And then they pat me and give me a toy truck or a tiny little drawing before heading off to destroy and mess the house.

It's silly to say it, but I think I was expecting to be pretty much okay by now. I wasn't expecting grief to be so much like a lingering illness.

2 comments:

Deirdre Mundy said...

It will come and go for the rest of your life, honestly. There will never, ever be a day when you say "I'm so glad my Mom isn't here!"

Wendy said...

It's been almost two years since my mom left, and I miss her every day. Look for her in your children's faces, words and actions, and in your own.